Scattered

Sometimes my thoughts are entirely scattered. I feel as if I could just stop and sit for hours, doing nothing but letting my mind debate with itself. I wonder how one month went by so quickly yet resent what the third month might look like. I think and feel vulnerable… has anyone back at home forgotten me? It’s those moments when you’re gone when people around you realize how much they do…or don’t appreciate your presence. To think about that can be both encouraging and striking, depending upon feedback you receive. I wonder how it will feel to start school back up in the spring, to return having Hannah’s senior year half gone and Maddie’s volleyball season long past. I wonder how it will feel to return home and have missed the first season of fall ever in almost 20 years of life.

Some things can feel just bazaar and so scattered are my thoughts. And there are times, such as now, that I don’t even bother to sound witty or grammatically spot-on while typing. I just type to let thoughts and words out of my head…because I can, and I should.

One thing I realized is that God and I aren’t talking a whole lot these days. And I wonder how that works, because I feel near to Him, but we don’t sit and have our long drawn out talkings and listenings like we would back home. Maybe I was hoping for a longer walk home so that talk could happen, but I have a short walk and its hard to focus when there are mud puddles everywhere, children yelling “mzungu” and plenty of staring eyes.

I so just want a piano so I can play and sing loudly to God. I miss that. It would be those moments that my voice would be crushed and I could just break down before my Lord. Melting moments. I need those. But there’s not a piano that I know of and if there was, I’d be listened to if I just started singing out.

I can’t relate to any of the preachers here and barely the worship music. It turns out my Mama goes to the service in Luganda then sends me alone to the service after that in English. It doesn’t really help much. The preaching here is strange, too humorous and I cannot relate. I would love to be able to, I just can’t. I’ve been downloading Mark’s sermons from Origin’s site to listen to those…but there’s still the issue of worship.

I guess there are certain things that just simply cannot be replaced while I’m here. And there will be things from here that cannot be replaced once I am back in the states.

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